Done

I obviously cant keep up with more than one blog at once, so im done. With WordPress.

I update my myspace regularly.

Bye

New

A new development has shaken my insecurities.

With Travis, everything in the beginning had to be forced. I had to force myself not to back out the first time we were due to hang out, mostly because I was so nervous and unsure. I had to tell him to kiss me. After the first few weeks, things were a little more natural. I did have to work on being attracted to him physically. Mentally, I was crazy about him, but physically he wasn’t what I had pictured for myself. Once I got to know him, I fell hard.

With this new boy, Jared, everything came so simply. When i had first met him at a friends BBQ, there was no “Oh my god, is he going to talk to me? What do I say if he comes over here?” Things like that just didn’t occur. We just started talking, chatting, playing basketball. It progressed very naturally. I didn’t expect anything, therefore I was nicely surprised when he returned my attraction. Well…thats putting it mildly. I was excited, nervous, anxious, everything you would expect in that situation.

But what was really great was that my mind wasn’t asking all of those questions I usually ask myself.  “Does this have long term potential? How could this work long distance?” Stuff like that. And we had this natural, electric chemistry. Not only did we feel comfortable with each other, we were attracted to each other. The physical attraction was/is palpable.

Its amazing being able to feel like that again, and after such a short time of knowing him. I havent felt these emotions in such a long time, and never like this.

But now im afraid. Im afraid that im falling too hard to fast. I have never had it be so easy, and every time I see him it gets more and more intense. But thats the problem. I move to Denton permanently in just over a month. Im just going to end up hurting him and myself. I’ve done that before, I dont know how I can take it if I inflict that again.

One of my best friends, Kristen, told me to just take it one day at a time. Just enjoy the present, and not worry about what may or may not happy. I live the rest of my life to that creed (or try to), but its hard when your heart is at stake. I have had my heart broken in the last year….jesus, if it happened 2 times in one year…

Im done thinking about it. Im just going to look forward to seeing him, be excited to be with him, and not do or say anything that doesnt feel right for me. Go with the flow, roll with the punches.

2

I know that I have had a lot of work to do since my break-up. I have had to kind of…reprogram myself. Re-adjust to the post-Travis Kayla. He changed me in a lot of ways, not all bad. But now I have a whole mess of issues to deal with and work through.

I feel like my heart is changing. What I want out of a relationship, my ideas about love are totally different. I can barely remember what I was like when I was with him. Maybe thats a good thing.

As I stated in my previous post, in that particular relationship, I was the giver. I gave up so much for him, because I loved him with such an intensity. I sacrificed so much, and rarely (if ever) had it returned. I guess thats just what im used to, being let down, disappointed.  So with any potential guy that I meet, I always assume that something is going to go wrong automatically.

I honestly feel that I dont deserve to have what I want in a relationship, or that it doesnt exist. I want to believe in true love again. I want to feel that warm, safe feeling again. I want to be ignorant in this subject, because knowing what I know about relationships, marriage, ect… it makes me want to run far away from it.

And yet…

And yet, I still have this desire to have the fairytale. I want to beautiful picnics, the romance, the walking hand-in-hand, kissing under the stars. But part of me is telling me that its not real.

For now, I am determined to take life as it comes. To try and make the best decisions for me at that particular time, be true to myself, and be the good person that I am in all situations.

Number 1

In a conversation with my mother this morning, she revealed something that threw me off my axis.

She said that in all relationships, there is a giver and a taker. There is always just give and JUST take.

This blew me away. In my relationship with my ex, we worked very hard to make sure that it was even. Equal give and Equal take. Relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100 all the way.

I know you are probably thinking “It obviously didnt work if he is now your ex.”

And that isnt necessarily untrue. I gave, and I gave, and I gave some more. And boy did he take. He just kept on taking until there was nothing left to do but give a little.

But how can you have a lasting relationship that isnt equal all the way around? Equal work ethic and passion, equal give and equal take in all areas of the relationship, equal commitment, equal everything.

I dont know if I can love someone that isnt as driven as I am toward something. I pretty much dont care what that something is, but they have to be driven and passionate. And they have to work hard for what they want. Travis didnt know what he wanted, and he wasnt driven toward anything. And at some points I lost some respect for him because of it. I dont know if I can exist in something where I am the only one giving.
This is exactly the reason I am afraid of long term relationships. How can something last forever? Especially something uneven?

I have always seen myself getting married and having children and being happy. But as of late, I am starting to fear that I will never get married by choice because I cant believe in the institution, or in relationships in general.

Introduction

I will preface this blog:

- I am 20 years old, a student at Texas Woman’s University studying Drama and Business.

- I am single. I had a very bad break up a few months back, and am experiencing definite lasting effects because of it. I am not off the market because of it, its just a lot harder to win my heart.

My other wordpress blog is about my theater, and my life in the theater. This blog, I am hoping, will be devoted to one topic and one topic only:

- my commitment phobia

I broke off a 2 and a half year relationship with a man that I love dearly, I dated some just after him which turned out to be the worst possible idea, and I have been seeing a therapist semi-regularly because of the break up. If Travis and I hadn’t broken up in October of last year, he and I would be engaged to be married by now, I know that for a fact. I think about that on a weekly basis. I only wish that he and I had been the right people at the right time (which includes me being a few years older).

I am very career driven. My theater is my life, I made the choice to be that way. I love theater with such passion; theater and the craft of it can change the world and how people perceive it.

I love love, and I loved being in love. But I am terrified of forever. I dont see how a relationship can sustain marriage; how the merging of two lives, incomes, ideals, and stuff can work out for the better. My parents provide a great example of a happy, loving married couple. They have been married 22 years now, and love each other more every day. They fight, and deal with more than their fair share of hardship, and yet they are stronger than ever. It doesnt make sense to my overly-analytical mind.

In the past marriage has been about a few different things:

- land. Fathers betrothed their children to neighboring landowners to increase their property standing.

- reproduction. It was only proper to reproduce while married, and men must have children (preferably a male child) to carry on their legacy.

- propriety. After a certain time of being together, it was only proper that a couple got married.

- money. The wealthy could only marry the wealthy and merge empires.

I understand that. But those instances didnt bring happiness. Love brings happiness. But how does love sustain with life and the world in the way? How can two people grow together and become better, different people? How can you not get tired of seeing, kissing, and waking up next to the same person every day?

I have experienced a lot of what serious relationships are; money issues, waking up next to each other regularly, dealing with death, jobs, unemployment, ect. I dont see how a relationship can sustain.

Let me end on this note:

I am a monogamous person, a serial monogamist as a matter of fact. And I am not afraid to commit, but I am afraid to commit to forever at this particular place in my life.